This is what we are. Where we're going. Who we've met. The places we've been. All of it. All... of it. This and that and here and there. This is all short and makes no sense. The day when all the ripples mean something. When is that. Today? Tommorow? Did it matter and we can't remember? I think I'll go jump in. When did the edge get so far away. Lean over and see everything. It's the only way I ever want to see it all. And here you are. Halfway down but closer than I can ever be. I want it all.

I think it's interesting that I never write anything about my day really. It's not that I don't think about it, I guess I just don't care. Whenever I think about my day I just never think it's worth putting it down. Ironically my worthless musings are. Apparently. Meh.

I really... am at wits end on what to say. It's not like I'm going to throw in the towel and be like... hey thats it, peace out. But what am I supposed to say anymore? It's clear nothing I can possibly say will help. So frustrating. So very frustrating. I would go out on a limb but what exactly would be the point of such a grand gesture. I'm pretty certain it would mean nothing as well. Maybe I'll just do it. When it fails at least I left everything on the table. I like how I am so utterly inadequate at what I want to do for an extended period of time in my life. I think thats fan-frick-tastic. Oh well. This needs a solution and I'm pretty sure I can't do it. I think I'm going to put a contingency plan into action. And thats just how it is. Wouldn't things just be so much easier if everybody cooperated? Sigh.

All analytical musings aside. I'm worried. Very much so.

I've said before that theres nothing wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I have the exclusive rights to be correct about myself. Other people see cute, I see nothing. Other people see happy, I don't. I see a million flaws on how it will collapse. Somebody else sees hopeless... and I see something that can be saved. Something that can be fixed. It can't all be fixed. It can't. I can't even fix myself. Either the world has gone completely crazy or I have.

The word of tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is faith. I find mine to be lacking in all areas. The first I go, I think, was my faith in myself. Compliments to my person are met, almost exclusively, with a shrug and me playing it off. There are hardly any exceptions to this rule. Religion was second to go. But thats ok, because I don't believe that is necessary for anything if, and only if, you posess faith in other areas. Finally my faith in people waned, and has not come back. I expect when people talk to me that they want something. I am seldom disappointed. This is not to say there are not exceptions, but they without fail confound me. This has left me in a quandry of sorts. Without at least one, I find myself succumbing to the ease of not caring. And it is so very true now, that I just don't care. The simple truth is that while difficult at first, once you start, it is much more difficult to stop. I don't care, and my own cynicism disgusts me sometimes. I hate it even more when I'm proven correct. Disappointment has taught me well, but unfortunately it's not compatible with life. I need a passion again, because I find myself in trouble. I no longer want to be a beacon. I just want to be a candle. I want to be known as that weird guy, and to my friends as that really weird guy whos frick interesting though. I want perfection in my craziness. I'm ok with that. Randomness end.

What are words to describe this. Empty, hollow, sad and inadequate. No metamorphosis will ever be enough to transform them into anything even approaching satisfactory. How elitist and arrogant this must be. How pretentious he is! Let us all scorn him. To you I say, how correct you are. I speak nothing but nonsense. To listen to or follow anything I say would make you a bigger fool than I. I simply hear the music in my head, and to what purpose would it serve to follow such things. Far better to pursue the well-trodden road and to know the comfort of the endless march. I see the look in those eyes. I know to exactly where that leads. By all means! March on good sirs! Who can fight the inexorability of time? Who can resist the allure of the warmth of sameness? As to myself, I will ramble aimlessly. I will wander to the nearest cliff and take a step into air and embrace the spiral. Then I will fight gravity, while you fight time. Perhaps you or I will win. Perhaps when I land the rock will crack and the earth crumble. Perhaps when you come to the end of the path, you will only see the beginning. Who can know for sure. Remember that I am naught but a fool, and who can doubt that a fool knows nothing. Perhaps you do know. In the end I will do what a fool does best. I will sit, watch, and listen. I will see you fail and succeed. Along the way you will look straight into my eyes, and my heart will break. But I will not lift a finger. I will ride my spiral down, laughing at the collective absurdity that is me and everything else. It is my fool's hope that you will join me for the ride. I am thinking, what a feeling must it be to laugh in the very face of god, and to have him smile back at you in approval.

I should probably make a fairly decent attempt at not being quite so grumpy. I know I'm hardly the world's repository of happy thoughts and feelings but an attempt should be made. I've just been in an excellent mood, what can I say.

I have to keep reminding myself that there is no rhyme or reason to why things happen. Well, that's not always true... it's just that I have no control over what's going to happen. There are times when you do have control, but how easily that can be snatched away. I want so badly to believe that at the end of the day things will make sense and there will be some reason. Then I have to wake up . I know that's not actually how things work... and I know there are many times when things will just be how they will. It's like choking down a neverending stream of the most vile tasting medicine ever. You have no choice. I think it takes its toll. I really do. Sometimes I spend hours just linking this event with that event (I have a lot of time on my hands). Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't and I just get frustrated with myself. I guess knowing something doesn't stop you from railing against it incessently and in complete futility. It would frustrate me to the point of tears if I had that capacity. I don't. I sigh and just let it go. My search for reason has left me at an impasse. Religion does nothing for me, and I no longer possess the undefeatable drive that I had when I was younger. I can't go back to the time where I thought things had order, and I seem to be mired in a personal battle against an idea. Just because you want something to be a certain way doesn't mean it will be that way....

More later maybe.

I can't say I'm full of an overabundance of desire to write. Decisions.

Many decisions.

Disappointments too.

I am ready for a revolution.

What is this really? Years of school and then work? And what is work if not just years of nonsense. I'm so very over it all at the absolutely ancient age of 23. I can and will not subject myself to years continued of it all. My life has been steadily drained of the people that make life interesting to live. The crazy ones and the ones that burn brightest and shortest. My advice to those that can't or won't claim that? Go get drunk and live a story worth telling.

Anybody with me?

If you are lucky enough to feel it, consider yourself fortunate beyond measure. It is the ultimate in peace and tranquility, the feeling that things are just right, if for a mere instant. I think many would call it a religious experience. I would not cheapen it so. It is... quite simply... a rapture never fully grasped or understood. Oh but how wonderful it can be.

Where is your peace?